Letter 96: I call as witness the divinity honored by both philosophy and friendship: I would have preferred many deaths to the...

Letter 96: Becoming Bishop; Spiritual Crisis [1] To Olympius I call to witness that divinity whom both philosophy and friendship honor, that I should have preferred many deaths to the bishopric. But God has imposed upon me not what I desired but what He wished. I pray Him, therefore, who has been the giver of my life, to be its protector also, so that this office may not seem to me a descent from the realm of philosophy, but rather a step upwards to it. [2] Meantime, just as if any pleasure had come to me, I should have shared it with you, my dearest friend, so also I send to you the recital of my griefs, in order that you may suffer with me, and that after scrutinizing the matter in question with reference to my character, you may, if possible, express an opinion as to what I ought to do. [3] As it is, I am trying to tackle the matter at a distance. I have been for over six months in this dreadful position, far from the men amongst whom I shall be a priest. I am waiting to learn exactly what the nature of this office is. If it is possible, I will perform the duties with philosophy, but if it cannot be reconciled with my school of thought and sect, what better could I do than sail straight for illustrious Greece? For if I refuse the priesthood, I can no longer dream of returning to my own city either, unless I am prepared to be the most dishonored and accursed of all men, living amidst a crowd of enemies.

Letter 96: Becoming Bishop; Spiritual Crisis [1] To Olympius I call to witness that divinity whom both philosophy and friendship honor, that I should have preferred many deaths to the bishopric. But God has imposed upon me not what I desired but what He wished. I pray Him, therefore, who has been the giver of my life, to be its protector also, so that this office may not seem to me a descent from the realm of philosophy, but rather a step upwards to it. [2] Meantime, just as if any pleasure had come to me, I should have shared it with you, my dearest friend, so also I send to you the recital of my griefs, in order that you may suffer with me, and that after scrutinizing the matter in question with reference to my character, you may, if possible, express an opinion as to what I ought to do. [3] As it is, I am trying to tackle the matter at a distance. I have been for over six months in this dreadful position, far from the men amongst whom I shall be a priest. I am waiting to learn exactly what the nature of this office is. If it is possible, I will perform the duties with philosophy, but if it cannot be reconciled with my school of thought and sect, what better could I do than sail straight for illustrious Greece? For if I refuse the priesthood, I can no longer dream of returning to my own city either, unless I am prepared to be the most dishonored and accursed of all men, living amidst a crowd of enemies.